Reflection

re-flect \ri-flekt\ vb

1 : to bend or cast back (as light, heat, or sound)  2 : to give back a likeness or image of as a mirror does  3 : to bring as a result  4 : to cast reproach or blame  5 : to ponder or meditate

Reflection is one of the most interesting concepts that we experience as human beings. It pushes our curiosity and exercises our minds. As infants, we become shocked with amazed bewilderment upon seeing our reflection for the first time. We perceive the image as another human being, and interract with it accordingly, making one of the very first social connections of our lives. As we get older and make our own choices-- both good and bad-- it sometimes becomes more difficult to "look at ourselves in the mirror" and we find ourselves reflecting our own faults and misgivings onto those around us, to make it easier to live with ourselves and our mistakes. If we are fortunate, as we make it further down the road, we have learned from our experiences-- both good and bad-- and begin to reflect on what we have learned, and what we still intend to channel or what we want to do differently in the future.

Reflections come at milestones, as epiphanies. They come during points of transition, as closure. Sometimes, they come as both. Tonight, I am lucky enough to experience both. As I close the door on yet another summer, I feel suspended. Not "suspended" as if I am floating from happiness (although I am quite excited about the new school year), but rather as if the usually-busy world around me is "on pause", and I am moving and turning, looking for that sign that will point me towards the road down which I am supposed to go. It's there. I know it is. That is why I feel suspended-- not frozen. It's there, and I will find it-- this much I know-- sometime between this moment and 8:30 tomorrow morning.

I sit here in bed, cross-legged, with a computer in my lap, and a bowl of incredibly tart, freshly-sliced peaches to my left, Puccini blaring from the speakers to my right, and for once, I am not sad that summer is over. That is not to say that it has not been a brilliant eleven weeks-- it has been. The last 80 days have held some of the most unexpected and enjoyable experiences that I have had in some time. New faces. New places. Late nights. Early mornings. The big. The small. Laughter. Tears. More laughter. And the list goes on. I am one lucky girl.

But I have grown bored. One could say that this comes from having eleven weeks "off", and that getting back on the horse will be the cure for what ails me, but this boredom feels different, somehow. It is not as if I "need something to do". Heaven knows that is never the case. No, tonight, in my pondering of the past eleven weeks, something has shifted. My focus. My hopes. My priorities. My tolerance. Something feels as though it is about to change, or maybe I am just willing it to, because I have no desire to continue down my current path. It has grown stale. So, here I am, sort of comically imagining myself standing in the middle of Boston Avenue, while everything in the city around me is frozen in time, just waiting for me to push "play".

It is, or at least it feels like, an epiphany and closure all at once. This chapter is closing-- the summer plotline, as well as others. They have served their purpose. I have learned what I needed to learn, and now I just feel like I am repeating myself. I am tired of the training wheels. So, whether it be while I sleep tonight, when I wake in the morning, or when I actually see the sun kissing the skyline of my once imaginarily-suspended city as I drive to work, I will spot a flickering neon arrow with my name on it, push "play", and like always, never look back. It's time.

Now That You Have The Proper Setting, Can You Say It?

You know what I hate?-- When single people, who obviously like each other, dilly-dally, play games, run hot/cold, and drop hints for months, instead of just coming out and saying it.

Wow, suddenly I feel like Andy Rooney. The voice in my head actually sounded like Andy Rooney, and suddenly, I can picture myself as a disgruntled old man, hunched over and scowling, wearing what appears to be a rather uncomfortable suit and tie, as I hear the stopwatch from 60 Minutes tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-ticking in my ear. Uh-oh. Hill is doing a "gripe" blog. This can't be good.

It is not so much a gripe as it is a long-standing question that has been hanging over my head for quite some time. I have never been quite sure why, but many of my friends come to me for relationship advice. Maybe it is because I am honest and won't just tell them what they want to hear, or maybe it is because I have been through a divorce, and because of that, they think that, now, I "have it all figured out".

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Ohhhhhhhhh... Whew... That is just damn funny. I think I have cramps from laughing now. Okay, back to my point. Me. My friends. Relationship advice. Got it.

Hey Hill, you're never going to believe what happened last night. I was hanging out with her, and she said this, and she did that, and I'm thinking, "Okay, this is finally going to go somewhere," but every time I ask her what is going on with us, I can't get an answer.

Hey Hill, so I hung out with that guy this weekend. You know-- the guy I was telling you about, that I've been talking to for awhile. A bunch of us went out, but he and I spent the whole night together, while everyone else was sort of doing their own thing. We've been friends for awhile, but everyone thinks we should get together. I really like him, but I'm not sure what to do.

Hey Hill, so that girl I have basically had a crush on for half of my life, well, I think the timing might finally be right, and I'm going to go for it, and just ask her what she thinks. Wish me luck!

Hey Hill, so what is going on with you and that guy? I am surprised you guys haven't gone out yet. He obviously likes you, and one of these days, I'm just going to say something if you don't.

All stories of my life. I have people coming to me who have actually been brave enough to confront the issue, people who are scared to death, and people who pay more attention to my personal life than I do, and give me their two-cents. The whole spectrum. However, I will say that the brave ones are few and far between. Most of us lack real stuffing when it comes to making our feelings or intentions plain, and observing this time and again, as of late, is what has inspired this, likely overly-thought-out, blurb / blog.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing is more frustrating than beating your head up against a wall, wondering what someone else is thinking, especially in regards to romance. While I certainly cannot give my friends all of the answers they are seeking, I am happy to dish out said advice, with the hopes that it may help my nearest and dearest to focus on the real issue at hand in their lives, move on from someone who is not worth their time, or work harder to build something with someone who is. While so many divorced women tend to fall on the bitter, I-hate-men-and-marriage-and happiness-and-sunshine-and-joy-of-any-kind side of things, I actually really dig a happy ending, and love closely observing the dynamics of relationships. It is, after all, a fascinating dance.

Allow me to set the scene. You meet someone, and there is a noticeable spark. You test the waters, get to know each other, develop your own unique line of banter, hang out, help out, open up, confide in, cuss, discuss, or whatever the case may be, and it goes on for weeks, months, maybe even longer. The suspense and tension builds to the point that the elephant in the room has grown to such a grotesque size that, suddenly, the pachyderm's backside has you and your "dance partner" pinned up against a wall, forced to confront the issue at hand. Not pretty (or comfortable), and yet nothing more happens. The chemistry is most certainly there, but the courage, quite obviously, is not.

Or, maybe it is someone you have known for awhile, and then suddenly, there is this extra, added layer to your friendship that cannot quite be explained. She's being oddly affectionate lately. Weird. Is he flirting with me? He's never done that before. Well, let me explain it for you-- it is the "My Goodness, Why Won't You Two Just Admit That You Like Each Other And Get Together Already?" layer. I see it all the time.

The problem is that the dance can sometimes go on forever, and one or both parties become confused, exhausted, (or both) and move on. It seems like, more often than not lately, I am surrounded by people who can dance with the best of them, but are just too damn scared to go for it. Why? Everything is just right-- conditions are perfect.

Aaaaaaaand, now I'm quoting 'Flight of the Conchords'. My goodness, Hill. Do you not have your own voice tonight, or must you continue to borrow one from random celebrities? Whatever. I know you follow me.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "My, my Hill. It sounds like you are speaking from personal experience." Well, duh. Of course I am, at least to an extent, anyway. I, like the rest of the population, have dealt with this problem in the tragic little relationship corner of my life, countless times. It is a situation that has baffled me personally, as well as puzzled me in regards to people who are close to me. However, when experiencing it myself, I have always automatically assumed that my silly, old-fashioned ways were at the root of the problem. After all, I could have always just sucked it up and asked a guy out myself, if I wanted to, but as a "lady" I all but refused to make the first move.

And, you're laughing at the "lady" remark. It's okay, I laughed a little myself when I typed it. Okay, I was snorting. I'll admit it. God knows, if my mother is reading this, she would have a few choice examples of just how un-ladylike I tend to be. Please, Mom, do not 'out' me to the world. But, I digress.

So yes, for quite some time, I always just assumed that the frustrating question of, "Why isn't this going anywhere?" was something that I alone was experiencing, as a result of my own stubborn nature.  There have been countless times when the chemistry has been there with a man, and I (and even several observers) have been left scratching our heads, wondering why we were at a virtual stand-still. Come to find out, this is becoming a relationship epidemic. Nobody, in this day and age it seems, wants to put all of their cards on the table.

Well, let me clarify. Most of the time it seems that all of the cards are laid out, save one-- the Let's-See-Where-This-Can-Go card. It is interesting to me how, sometimes, we can open up and divulge some of our most personal thoughts, our deepest secrets and fears to people, but when it comes to pursuing a relationship-- just coming out and saying, "Let's see where this can go,"--people lock up. The trust and understanding in and of one another is completely present, and while that should be the "hard part", we find more difficulty in asking one simple question, or making one simple statement. Why can't we just say it? What are we so afraid of?

Don't misunderstand. I am not writing this as an attack on people who have no guts when it comes to relationships. Hell, I am one of those people myself, a fair amount of the time, which is why the fact that this is seemingly such a common issue, has struck me the way it has. For me, it is not so much fear-based, as it is that I am just kind of old-fashioned. Call me crazy, but I like for a guy to ask me out. However, I find it hard to believe that this is the reason behind all of these occurrences that I am seeing amongst my friends. I believe that most people who should make a go of a relationship with each other, don't, out of fear, not because they are being a stupid, hopeless romantic.

"Now that you have the proper setting, can you say it?" --Debbie Reynolds

And yet, to be fair, perhaps there are more hopeless romantics out there than I realize-- people who are just hoping and waiting for that "perfect" moment, rather than seizing the imperfection that is right in front of them. In one of my absolutely favorite films, "Singin' In The Rain", Gene Kelly simply cannot get up the nerve to express his ever-growing feelings for Debbie Reynolds, seemingly as a result of living his life in cinematic, perfectly-staged "scenes". It isn't until he can create the ultimate romantic setting, using backdrops, soft lighting, and film effects, that he can articulate his attraction to his co-star. Is that what holds us back? The hope of that perfect moment?

Or, perhaps it isn't perfection that stunts the progress of courtship for some of us. Maybe it is simply the fear of upsetting the balance of something that, for all intents and purposes, "works" the way it is. You are friends, and you don't want to screw it up. Your interactions are comfortable, easy, and enjoyable, and you are afraid that, if you shine a glaring spotlight on the aforementioned, ever-swelling elephant, suddenly all of that comfort and ease will go slip-sliding downhill, until it drops into a dark canyon, never to be seen again.

Ah yes, that is when you know you are in serious trouble-- when you place enough value on your current friendship with the person that your fear of risking the relationship as a whole outweighs the fantasy of boosting the relationship to the next level. That's when your friends poke fun at you and chant in sing-songy voices, "You really like them! You really like them!" and you are thrust back into mortifying memories of grade school playground romances that never came to fruition because your friends outed you in front of the entire class. It is in that moment that you suddenly realize that your existence with that person you so long for has become just another one of those thousands of predictable romantic comedies, where two friends secretly pine for each other, but "respect the friendship" too much to own it. Sad.

Wow. You're really going to get your happy ending now, aren't you?-- Sitting back. Admiring from afar. Respecting them as a "friend". Making lame excuses. Yeah, ummmmmm.... no.

When it comes right down to it, as human beings, our ultimate goal, whether we want to admit it or not, is to love and be loved. It is our greatest desire, whether you are a seemingly cold, calculating corporate all-star, or someone who has the temperament to dress up as a department store Santa Claus. Love is love. Period. We cannot help when, where, or how we feel it, and we certainly cannot help for whom we feel it. There is no shame in that, so in reality, there should be no fear in doing what is "only human", right?

The people that get their happy ending are the ones who throw all pride and reservation to the wind, risk making a complete fool of themselves, and just say it. Cinematic perfection, and exquisite imperfection (yes, such a thing exists, and this is coming from a self-proclaimed perfectionist) do not just fall into your lap, and we cannot always dance as gracefully as we would like to sometimes. It takes guts, and guts are irrefutably admirable, at least in my book, whether it brings you that happy ending or not. The object of your affection will always remember how you shook things up, upset the balance, and took a chance, but they will never remember what they never knew in the first place.

http://youtu.be/PqsrVQfNYPc

Relationships & Real Estate

Well, here I am, after four and a half years of living a very transitional life, and I finally decided it was time to lay down some roots. The irony is that, according to some people, it was a tree that got me into this mess to begin with. Couldn't help myself there. Moving on. *ahem, ahem*

Buying a home. Sure, I've done this little song and dance before, but hunting down that white picket fence as a solo operation is a bit different. It's all me. What I say, goes. Boom. Brilliant! So, given all of this freedom and power and say-so (muahahahahahaha), you would think I would be running amok about town, looking at house after house, just because I could. Wrong.

That is when, this morning, I had a bit of a personal epiphone. House hunting, for me, completely parallels my dating life.

Hmmmmmmm.....

Sad? No. Heartless? Not really. Methodical? That just makes me sound cold, and ever-so-slightly evil. Logical? Okay, well maybe. We'll go with logical. Makes me sound smart.

If there is something I have preached to my single friends for awhile now, it is that, "When you know, you know." Now, I'll admit, I haven't been back on the dating scene long enough to really tout myself as an expert, but I have dealt with and closely observed enough relationships to know what works, and what doesn't. That, combined with my own personal experiences, has given me a pretty darn clear-cut idea of what I want, and what I don't want.

So, why is it that so many people bend and twist things into what they want them to be? Why not just save yourself (and others) the time, look at what is in front of you, make an honest assessment, and either take it or leave it?

Yet, that is not what most people do, in both relationships and real estate. We settle and make excuses, thinking that we can "make it work" or that we can change it into what we want it to be, and it is a colossal waste of time and emotion. Or, we become so wrapped up in those few "special features" that we can justify to ourselves why the other, mediocre features, are worth the sacrifice. I'm not crazy about the location, but it has granite countertops... He constantly flirts with other women, but he is a doctor... It has gold shag carpet, but I've always wanted a swimming pool... He still lives with his parents, but my God, he's built like Hugh Jackman...

After poring over an endless array of online listings last night, so that I would make a "day" out of house-hunting today, I found two, count 'em, two listings that I would consider for a home purchase. It was not as if there weren't more great houses out there-- there were some really beautiful, maintained, well-priced homes for sale-- but they weren't for me. They were for the person who wants shiny, trendy updates and a cookie-cutter existance. Thanks, but I'll pass. Let's just focus on the two that could actually make me want to come home everyday. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. Why waste my time entertaining something that, ultimately, won't work out?

That is when I realized that I am handling this whole home-buying experience the way I handle my personal life. I know a lot of single men, most of whom are great guys, but does that mean that I need to pursue dating them, just because they are there, and they're available, and are quality fellas? No, it doesn't. They're beautiful, maintained, and, essentially "well-priced", but most of them are for that girl who wants to devote her entire existance to shiny, trendy couplehood, be married in a year, and live a cookie-cutter existance that involves things like becoming a soccer mom, PTA president, and making sure she is the envy of all of her friends because she's accomplished more than half of the projects on Pinterest. Again, thanks, but I'll pass. As with my real estate choices, I just "know", and I have found it to be a fairly painless process to rule people out-- not because there is something wrong with them, but because I pay attention to detail, and I know myself well enough to know what I will or will not be happy with in the long run. I have no desire to change someone, nor do I want to force a relationship to run smoothly, anymore than I want to have to substantially alter a house to meet my needs, or force myself to settle for a house that, at the end of the day, causes me more stress than comfort.

Of course I allow for the people who like a "fixer-upper", both when it comes to home-buying, or searching for a mate, but that's just not me. There are those out there that have the time and the patience to see the potential in a neglected home, and want to turn it into their vision of awesome. I applaud those people, I really do. I have the vision, but I just don't have the time or the patience. However, when it comes to actual human beings, if you are looking to "fix" someone, in my opinion, you are ultimately looking to change them, and as much as we would like to believe that we can, we cannot change another person-- they have to change themselves.

My own realization of the parallels between how I purchase a home and how I handle my personal life makes me wonder if the fixer-upper people are the same way. Do people who like fixer-upper homes also pursue relationships that require a lot of extra work, care, and hassle? This may require further research.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "Hill, you're just incredibly picky, and you need to learn to get over it," but that really isn't the case. I never said I was not willing to look. Saying that I am picky about houses on the market or men in my dating pool is like saying that I have my eyes set on one particular house or man, and refuse to settle for anything else. That has never been, nor will it ever be, the case. I am open-minded enough to realize that new opportunities present themselves every day, both in the real estate and dating arena, and if the "listing" carries enough appeal for me to pursue things further, then I will.

Ah yes, as sick as it seems, "curb appeal" definitely translates. With a house, that magical first impression is all visual. It has to be. It either draws you in, leaves you unaffected, or repels you. The same goes for a man, only, for me, it isn't all about the visual, although I recognize that, for most people, it is. That first impression comes with how he carries himself, hopefully in such a way to warrant enough "curb appeal" to want to take a look inside. (Let's keep the dirty jokes to a minimum, people-- this blog is PG).

So the curb appeal is there, and you go inside the house, and sometimes you stumble across that "room" that makes you think, "Yikes. Can I live with this?" It's that room with the floor-to-ceiling, outdated floral wallpaper and pink carpeting. You know the room I'm talking about-- the room that "hasn't been updated yet". The deal-breaker room. Some houses have them, some houses don't, but too many people try to justify the deal-breaker room, convincing themselves they can live with it or work around it, because they love the rest of the house, or because the house is priced at a steal. The same goes for relationships. Sometimes, that first impression is solid, and you think, "There could really be something here," and you start to get to know them, and things continue to go well, and then suddenly, WHAM! No, not George Michael's kicky 80's music duo with Andrew Ridgeley. The deal-breaker. That one attribute (or collection of attributes) that makes that golden first impression lose its luster, and, as with the house, you are faced with the question of whether or not to invest further. All too often, people decide to invest, because they feel like the clock is ticking, and they end up trapped in an unhappy partnership.

Crap like that depresses me.

Real estate and relationships are investments. There is no way around that. Given my own experiences, I have found that, these days, I just prefer to put enough time and thought into making smart ones.

Despite this seemingly clinical parallel that I have made between dating and real estate, I am a card-carrying, flag-flying, hopeless romantic. I believe in walking into a house for the first time, and having it feel like "home". I believe in hearing a sweeping string orchestra in your head when you meet someone who is incredible. I believe that walls can talk,  that real connections are undeniable and magical, that you can be truly happy staying in the same house for 50 years, and that love can last a lifetime, and it is because of these beliefs, I suppose, that I refuse to settle for anything less.