Relationships & Real Estate

Well, here I am, after four and a half years of living a very transitional life, and I finally decided it was time to lay down some roots. The irony is that, according to some people, it was a tree that got me into this mess to begin with. Couldn't help myself there. Moving on. *ahem, ahem*

Buying a home. Sure, I've done this little song and dance before, but hunting down that white picket fence as a solo operation is a bit different. It's all me. What I say, goes. Boom. Brilliant! So, given all of this freedom and power and say-so (muahahahahahaha), you would think I would be running amok about town, looking at house after house, just because I could. Wrong.

That is when, this morning, I had a bit of a personal epiphone. House hunting, for me, completely parallels my dating life.

Hmmmmmmm.....

Sad? No. Heartless? Not really. Methodical? That just makes me sound cold, and ever-so-slightly evil. Logical? Okay, well maybe. We'll go with logical. Makes me sound smart.

If there is something I have preached to my single friends for awhile now, it is that, "When you know, you know." Now, I'll admit, I haven't been back on the dating scene long enough to really tout myself as an expert, but I have dealt with and closely observed enough relationships to know what works, and what doesn't. That, combined with my own personal experiences, has given me a pretty darn clear-cut idea of what I want, and what I don't want.

So, why is it that so many people bend and twist things into what they want them to be? Why not just save yourself (and others) the time, look at what is in front of you, make an honest assessment, and either take it or leave it?

Yet, that is not what most people do, in both relationships and real estate. We settle and make excuses, thinking that we can "make it work" or that we can change it into what we want it to be, and it is a colossal waste of time and emotion. Or, we become so wrapped up in those few "special features" that we can justify to ourselves why the other, mediocre features, are worth the sacrifice. I'm not crazy about the location, but it has granite countertops... He constantly flirts with other women, but he is a doctor... It has gold shag carpet, but I've always wanted a swimming pool... He still lives with his parents, but my God, he's built like Hugh Jackman...

After poring over an endless array of online listings last night, so that I would make a "day" out of house-hunting today, I found two, count 'em, two listings that I would consider for a home purchase. It was not as if there weren't more great houses out there-- there were some really beautiful, maintained, well-priced homes for sale-- but they weren't for me. They were for the person who wants shiny, trendy updates and a cookie-cutter existance. Thanks, but I'll pass. Let's just focus on the two that could actually make me want to come home everyday. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. Why waste my time entertaining something that, ultimately, won't work out?

That is when I realized that I am handling this whole home-buying experience the way I handle my personal life. I know a lot of single men, most of whom are great guys, but does that mean that I need to pursue dating them, just because they are there, and they're available, and are quality fellas? No, it doesn't. They're beautiful, maintained, and, essentially "well-priced", but most of them are for that girl who wants to devote her entire existance to shiny, trendy couplehood, be married in a year, and live a cookie-cutter existance that involves things like becoming a soccer mom, PTA president, and making sure she is the envy of all of her friends because she's accomplished more than half of the projects on Pinterest. Again, thanks, but I'll pass. As with my real estate choices, I just "know", and I have found it to be a fairly painless process to rule people out-- not because there is something wrong with them, but because I pay attention to detail, and I know myself well enough to know what I will or will not be happy with in the long run. I have no desire to change someone, nor do I want to force a relationship to run smoothly, anymore than I want to have to substantially alter a house to meet my needs, or force myself to settle for a house that, at the end of the day, causes me more stress than comfort.

Of course I allow for the people who like a "fixer-upper", both when it comes to home-buying, or searching for a mate, but that's just not me. There are those out there that have the time and the patience to see the potential in a neglected home, and want to turn it into their vision of awesome. I applaud those people, I really do. I have the vision, but I just don't have the time or the patience. However, when it comes to actual human beings, if you are looking to "fix" someone, in my opinion, you are ultimately looking to change them, and as much as we would like to believe that we can, we cannot change another person-- they have to change themselves.

My own realization of the parallels between how I purchase a home and how I handle my personal life makes me wonder if the fixer-upper people are the same way. Do people who like fixer-upper homes also pursue relationships that require a lot of extra work, care, and hassle? This may require further research.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "Hill, you're just incredibly picky, and you need to learn to get over it," but that really isn't the case. I never said I was not willing to look. Saying that I am picky about houses on the market or men in my dating pool is like saying that I have my eyes set on one particular house or man, and refuse to settle for anything else. That has never been, nor will it ever be, the case. I am open-minded enough to realize that new opportunities present themselves every day, both in the real estate and dating arena, and if the "listing" carries enough appeal for me to pursue things further, then I will.

Ah yes, as sick as it seems, "curb appeal" definitely translates. With a house, that magical first impression is all visual. It has to be. It either draws you in, leaves you unaffected, or repels you. The same goes for a man, only, for me, it isn't all about the visual, although I recognize that, for most people, it is. That first impression comes with how he carries himself, hopefully in such a way to warrant enough "curb appeal" to want to take a look inside. (Let's keep the dirty jokes to a minimum, people-- this blog is PG).

So the curb appeal is there, and you go inside the house, and sometimes you stumble across that "room" that makes you think, "Yikes. Can I live with this?" It's that room with the floor-to-ceiling, outdated floral wallpaper and pink carpeting. You know the room I'm talking about-- the room that "hasn't been updated yet". The deal-breaker room. Some houses have them, some houses don't, but too many people try to justify the deal-breaker room, convincing themselves they can live with it or work around it, because they love the rest of the house, or because the house is priced at a steal. The same goes for relationships. Sometimes, that first impression is solid, and you think, "There could really be something here," and you start to get to know them, and things continue to go well, and then suddenly, WHAM! No, not George Michael's kicky 80's music duo with Andrew Ridgeley. The deal-breaker. That one attribute (or collection of attributes) that makes that golden first impression lose its luster, and, as with the house, you are faced with the question of whether or not to invest further. All too often, people decide to invest, because they feel like the clock is ticking, and they end up trapped in an unhappy partnership.

Crap like that depresses me.

Real estate and relationships are investments. There is no way around that. Given my own experiences, I have found that, these days, I just prefer to put enough time and thought into making smart ones.

Despite this seemingly clinical parallel that I have made between dating and real estate, I am a card-carrying, flag-flying, hopeless romantic. I believe in walking into a house for the first time, and having it feel like "home". I believe in hearing a sweeping string orchestra in your head when you meet someone who is incredible. I believe that walls can talk,  that real connections are undeniable and magical, that you can be truly happy staying in the same house for 50 years, and that love can last a lifetime, and it is because of these beliefs, I suppose, that I refuse to settle for anything less.