Ah, To Be Nineteen Again...

As my thirtieth (choke) birthday fast approaches, (or as I like to call it-- "Twenty-Nine: Part Two), I have been having trouble swallowing the idea of growing older. I know, I know-- it isn't as if thirty is really all that old, because it's not, but it's been this horrible, dreaded birthday in my mind since I was just a youngster. Why?- you ask? Well, the thing is that I can remember my own mother turning thirty, and the way I see it, if I am actually embarking on an age that I can remember my mom being, then I am now officially an adult.

Of course, being an adult sucks-- we all know that.

I've never really viewed myself as anything other than young, although I'm really not terribly sure why. Let's face it, being a kid is always a lot more fun than being an adult, and I guess I just never thought I'd reach the point where I actually would have adult responsibilities. I can recall watching my mom go through the checkbook, paying bills, calling the insurance company, etc, and thinking to myself, "Ew, I never want to do that-- EVER." Well yeah, only adults do that, and clearly, being an adult sucked. There was stress and obligations, and it was something I feared I suppose.

So, why did I go off and get married and pop out a handful of kids if I was frightened of responsibility? Well, maybe that's because I knew I could handle it, and at some point, we all have to grow up to some extent. Since then, I've tried to find that happy balance between "responsible adult" and "free as a bird". I haven't always succeeded, but I've put out a good effort, because I really believe it is possible to be both, as long as you manage yourself properly. Perhaps one day I'll figure out that balance, because so far, I've failed miserably.

So as I inch closer to Doomsday, I think my mind is playing tricks on me, making me feel older than I am. Most days I feel about seventy-nine, not twenty-nine. Is my hip going out? Am I starting to lose my hearing? Needless to say it made me quite happy this weekend when someone pegged me for a twenty year-old! Thank you-- thank you so much for knocking nine years off my life! Wahoo! Tonight, I was even given an extra year of my long-lost youth back when I was told that in fact I gave off more of a nineteen year-old vibe. Oh please, stop... you're killing me! Yes, I'd like to thank the Academy, and my parents, who gave me really good genes...

I can't even remember life at nineteen. Seriously, I'm sitting here in the tub, really trying to remember, and I can't. I was in college, yes. Probably dating one of many science geeks from one of my classes (yikes). Working at the library (make the geek revelations stop, please). Wow, so at nineteen I was apparently a real nerd-- that's what I've surmised so far. Hmmm, so not much has changed-- lovely. Good times. I was at least probably in better shape than I am now-- boxing and mountain biking, like ALL the time. Oh yeah, and sleeping a lot more--definitely. Most likely drinking coffee like it was water, and consuming more crappy food than should be allowed by law.

Wow, life at nineteen sounds rather dull. I think I'll stick with life at twenty-nine. I only hope that I'm still saying this at thirty-nine, but I really can't possibly begin to even think about thirty-nine right now. Gotta pace myself.