Some People Shouldn't Procreate

Okay, normally I would never criticize someone else's parenting techniques, but what I witnessed tonight while I was out shopping nearly prompted me to confront a fellow shopper.

I quite value my free time away from the kids. It's "quiet" time, even if it isn't completely quiet where I'm going, so I don't really appreciate it when I go out for "quiet" time, and there are screaming children present. If I had wanted to subject myself to the wild, unruly behavior of small children, I would have just chosen to stay home. So, there I was, attempting to clothes-shop (my therapy), and there are two young boys who are racing toy cars down the shopping aisles, screaming, "I win again," over and over and over. All I could think was, Where the hell are your parents and why can't you just shut the fuck up? If I hear, "Ha-ha, I win again!" one more time, I'm going to come over there and stomp on your cars and make you cry. Okay, so I wouldn't really do that, but I was totally thinking it. Of course, their mother was practically across the store, shopping for herself, seemingly oblivious to her sons' behavior. C'mon lady, get a freakin' clue.

It only got worse when I went to the dressing room. Miss Mother Of The Year actually had four small children with her-- two boys, probably ages 7 and 5, and two girls, around 3 and under 1 year of age. Why would you even try to shop with four kids? I mean, I give people props who can successfully shop with that many kids in tow, but this lady was not succeeding, seeing as how her kids were running amuck in the store. So there I was, waiting to get my dressing room number, and I witnessed her tell her oldest boy to watch his baby sister while she went to try clothes on. Um, what?!?! This kid was maybe seven years-old, like I said, so why on Earth would she leave the younger three children with him of all people?-- Especially when he was far more interested in racing cars down the clothing aisles with his brother? My jaw literally hit the floor, but I held back my urge to say something to her. She was a bigger woman and probably could've kicked my ass.

Anyway, so I thought that maybe, for a few moments, I could escape the insanity of her children's behavior, long enough to indulge myself with new fashions, when I hear her toddler daughter stroll in and ask, "Mommy, so-n-so (whatever the oldest son's name was) left (baby's name)-- what should I do?" Miss Should Be Incarcerated For Child Neglect replied in a huff, "Ugh! I'll be right out, just stay with the baby!" Excuse me? What did you just tell your three year-old daughter to do? Baby-sit your infant in a crowded department store until you can get your clothes back on? Are you fucking serious? Had I been in her position (and let me emphasize that it would never ever happen), I would've flown out of that dressing room half-naked if I knew that my children were unattended. So naturally I expected to hear her whip out of the dressing room in a flash, so I could go on about my dressing room experience in silent bliss, but no. She continued to try on clothes for another ten minutes until (are you ready for this?), the dressing room attendant wheeled her baby, shopping cart and all, into the dressing room area, and said, "Ma'am? Your other daughter left, so I thought I would just bring the baby in to you." I damn near choked. Wonderful, I thought. Now three of her young children are running around the store unsupervised, either getting into trouble, or being abducted, while she is no doubt, by the looks of her, making horrible fashion decisions.

So, what does the idiot do next? She continues to try on clothes, with her baby with her (thank goodness), and finally goes back out into the store to seek out her other offspring. I so badly wanted to shout out over the top of the dressing room door, "You better hope they're all still out there and some random lunatic hasn't run off with them!" Actually, what I really wanted to say was, "Ever heard of an Amber Alert?" Seriously, what could she have possibly been thinking? I don't even let my shopping cart full of contained children out of arm's reach at the grocery store.

At least the store manager finally approached her and told her that she needed to keep her children with her at all times. It was a good thing, or I may very well be at the hospital for having the crap beaten out of me.

So, the moral of the story is: If you ever feel like you are a bad parent... If you are ever having one of those days when you feel as though you have quite possibly scarred your children for life... If you ever feel guilty because you were just too tired and decided to skip your kids' bath-time... Remember that you could've left all of your kids in the hands of a dressing room attendant and actually thought it was a perfectly fine idea!